I once had an english teacher who said never start a sentence with So.  So everytime I do it is like a gift wrapped fuck you just for him.

The other day my cousin CJ called.  He had just scored some acid and wanted to know if I wanted go check out the holiday lights and hit a few clubs with him.  I was in the middle of lecturing him on the dangers of hallucinogenics, when my mom buzzed in on the other line.  She needed me to come over immediately.  She said it was a family crisis.  So I hung up on CJ and rushed over to my parents' house.

About a week ago my mom had slipped on some ice and busted her hip.  I assumed it had something to do with that.  I got to the house and mom told me that dad was missing.  Mom has been unable to keep an eye on dad because of her hip injury and she thinks he has been watching war movies.  My father has never served in the military but he has a rare post-traumatic stress condition where if he watches to many war movies he begins to have flashbacks and wig out.  So I told mom I would go find dad.

I drove around for about 15 minutes looking for dad.  Just when I was about to give up and call the police,  I saw a monkey in full camouflage and boots dart down an alley, that had to be dad (green camouflage sticks out like a sore thumb in the snow).  So I followed him.  I later found him setting a trip wire in front of the Nail-Me-Good nail salon.  After I calmed him down I got him into the car and was about to take him home, when my phone rang.  It was the owner of  Organ Grinders, a local strip club, there was an altercation and he wanted me to come pick up cousin CJ.  So me and dad went to pick up CJ.

As soon as we walked inside my dad yells "Nothing in the world smells like that." "I love the smell of Cotton Candy Body spray in the morning".  I knew bringing him here was a mistake but I didn't have time to take him home.  I told the bounce I was here to pick up CJ and asked him what happened.  He said "Jade walked up to CJ and he started freaking out and talking about anaphylactic shock and asking for epinephrine" "So I cuffed him to a pole in a VIP room."  So the bouncer took me to CJ.  They had a hold'em tournament going on in the VIP room, I guess when they called me and not the police.  I asked CJ what had happened and he went on to tell me that Jade put a piece of lasagna in his face and that with his severe tomato food allergies he was afraid of going into anaphylactic shock.  CJ was defiantly tripping balls, but in his defense, I saw Jade when I walked in and her clam wallet did resemble a piece of lasagna.  Dad went on to tell CJ that "You can never trust a Da Nang stripper." "They are all love you long time until you find out that she hid a razor blade in her lasagna in hopes of splitting your breadstick."

I got CJ and Dad back in the car and decided I would take them back to my house for the night so I could keep an eye on them.  Some days I really hate my family.