The Chicago Cubs Fans
Let me start by saying the "Chicago Cubs Fans" DO NOT want the Cubs to win the World Series. YES! You read that correctly they don't want their team to win. They will say they do, they will say shit like "We'll get them next year" or "This is the year we take the series", but they don't believe that, nor do they want that. All Chicago Cubs Fans have is their loyalty to a team that never wins it all. They wear it like a badge. I will credit them, so many people are fair-weather-fans and it is nice to see some loyalty, but shut the fuck up about it already. We all know your team has sucked incontinent ass for a century and that's great that you haven't jumped on the Yankees band wagon, but nobody cares how loyal you have been. If the Chicago Cubs were to win a World Series, what would the fans have? They would have nothing no "Goat Curse", no "Black Cat in the Dugout" no "I have been loyal despite season after season of humiliation." None of it. If the Chicago Cubs actually won it all the Chicago Cubs Fan would have nothing, their entire world would be in ruins. The Chicago Cubs Fans would much rather say I have supported the underdog all my life than have their team win a World Series.
Slick as spit
I personally find a bunch of naked people spitting on each other kind of a turn off. If it's in the budget for Rachel Ray to use so damn much damn EVOO, why can't the porn stars have a tube of Astroglide, can of Crisco, bottle of Wesson, some WD-40, a can of butter flavored Pam, a coffee can of bacon grease, a quart of Quakerstate, or anything else slick.
I mean come on people, is there really another occupation around more in need of some lube? Couldn't they sign an endorsement deal with KY or something (a little product placement never hurt anyone). KY could market some new products from such a deal. Such as: "I can't believe it's not a loogie" or "Odrools". If we all work together I'm sure we could but a end to "unnecessary spitting in the porn industry".
What A long strange trip it's been
 | I once had an english teacher who said never start a sentence with So. So everytime I do it is like a gift wrapped fuck you just for him.
The other day my cousin CJ called. He had just scored some acid and wanted to know if I wanted go check out the holiday lights and hit a few clubs with him. I was in the middle of lecturing him on the dangers of hallucinogenics, when my mom buzzed in on the other line. She needed me to come over immediately. She said it was a family crisis. So I hung up on CJ and rushed over to my parents' house.
About a week ago my mom had slipped on some ice and busted her hip. I assumed it had something to do with that. I got to the house and mom told me that dad was missing. Mom has been unable to keep an eye on dad because of her hip injury and she thinks he has been watching war movies. My father has never served in the military but he has a rare post-traumatic stress condition where if he watches to many war movies he begins to have flashbacks and wig out. So I told mom I would go find dad.
I drove around for about 15 minutes looking for dad. Just when I was about to give up and call the police, I saw a monkey in full camouflage and boots dart down an alley, that had to be dad (green camouflage sticks out like a sore thumb in the snow). So I followed him. I later found him setting a trip wire in front of the Nail-Me-Good nail salon. After I calmed him down I got him into the car and was about to take him home, when my phone rang. It was the owner of Organ Grinders, a local strip club, there was an altercation and he wanted me to come pick up cousin CJ. So me and dad went to pick up CJ.
As soon as we walked inside my dad yells "Nothing in the world smells like that." "I love the smell of Cotton Candy Body spray in the morning". I knew bringing him here was a mistake but I didn't have time to take him home. I told the bounce I was here to pick up CJ and asked him what happened. He said "Jade walked up to CJ and he started freaking out and talking about anaphylactic shock and asking for epinephrine" "So I cuffed him to a pole in a VIP room." So the bouncer took me to CJ. They had a hold'em tournament going on in the VIP room, I guess when they called me and not the police. I asked CJ what had happened and he went on to tell me that Jade put a piece of lasagna in his face and that with his severe tomato food allergies he was afraid of going into anaphylactic shock. CJ was defiantly tripping balls, but in his defense, I saw Jade when I walked in and her clam wallet did resemble a piece of lasagna. Dad went on to tell CJ that "You can never trust a
I got CJ and Dad back in the car and decided I would take them back to my house for the night so I could keep an eye on them. Some days I really hate my family. |
The Aristocrats (America’s Got Talent Edition)
| Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities The Aristocrats (America's Got Talent Edition)  Jerry Springer - "This next act comes from Dayton Ohio, let's hear a round of applause for Gus, Sue and Friends." Gus and Sue come out and Gus simply says "We will entertain you". Then Sue drops to the ground and spreads her legs to reveal she is not wearing any panties. She pulls out a harmonica and begins to play a Blues Travelers song with her meat wallet. After she has completed the song she stands up and starts to juggle some tennis balls. While she is juggling Gus begins to beef her from behind. Piers Morgan BUZZ The buzzing doesn't break Sue or Gus's concentration at all. After a few minutes the jugging is done and Gus takes the five tennis balls and shoves them into Sue's cooch. Out walks Billie Jean King. She stands on the opposite side of the stage and Sue, using only the power of her vagina, shoots the tennis balls to Billie Jean. The balls fly toward Billie Jean at a great velocity but she is able to smack them into the crowd with her racket. After the fifth ball is returned Billie Jean goes trout snout on Sue while using her racket handle as an anal stimulator. Then out walks Season 2 winner Terry Fator. Terry comes out with a puppet that looks like R Kelly. The puppet begins to sing "Bump and Grind". Then the puppet undoes his pants to expose his puppet peter and begins to piss on all the underage girls in the crowd. Then Terry did something to prove he was the worlds best ventriloquist. He went over and sucked off Gus for the rest of the song, never missing a beat or a word. Any ventriloquist can drink water while performing, but how many can suck a cock? And that was where the act ended.  Jerry Springer - "That was great, If this act doesn't work out for you, your more than welcome on my show anytime." "Let's go to the judges"  David Hasselhoff - "That was awesome!" "It reminded me of this time on the set of my hit television series Baywatch" "Jeremy Jackson was in my dressing room practicing CPR on my Johnson when in walks Pamela Anderson who insists on us both giving her an Alabama Hot Pocket which of course lead to a Devils Three Way." "I refer to that night as 2 guys, 2 D-Cups with a side order of E. Coli and Hepatitis." "Your act had that kind of power and emotion, You are what this show is all about." "As far as I'm concerned your the act to beat, Your going to Vegas"  Sharon Osbourne - "That act was barking mad, but I loved every last minute of it." "It reminded me of this time when Black Sabbath and Judas Priest were touring together." "I found Ozzy backstage biting the head off of Rob Halford's uncircumcised penis, then Ozzy lubed a mic stand up with Crisco and lodged about 3 feet of it up Rob's bum which of course lead to a Devils Three Way" Then we all got piss drunk and ended the evening giving each other Golden Showers at the Alamo while Ronnie James Dio stood in the corner and masturbated." "That was the last day I really felt alive, until today." "You act has the power to change lives, it's a YES from me your going to Vegas."  Piers Morgan - "The reason I buzzed was because you started with some heterosexual anal sex and I am repulsed by anything heterosexual, but once you brought out Terry and the dyke tennis player things heated up and I rather enjoyed your act. It's a Yes from me, Your going to Vegas. But I was thinking that an act of this magnitude needs a catchy name, So Gus have you given any thought of what you are going to call your act. Gus - "me and Sue were thinking of calling ourselves "The Aristocrats" |
Geek poetry slam – Star Wars Edition
| Ode To Princess Leia Princess Leia |
Celebrity Clue
|
The other day I ran
across my old CLUE game and as I was looking though the game cards, I thought to
myself that this game is kind of dated. Don't get me wrong Miss Scarlet and Mr.
Green had a big part in my childhood, I just think something should be done to
make the game fresh again. Then it hit me Celebrities. They have a Celebrity
Apprentice, Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Jeopardy, Why not a Celebrity
Clue?
So I started working on
making some cards. Then I was thinking in Clue it's all about who killed Mr.
Boddy. That was OK 20 years ago, but today you need some variety so Celebrity
Clue should have a whole list of murdered victims to choose from. So now
instead of the same victim everytime you can choose from Nicole Brown Simpson ,
Ronald Goldman, Kurt Cobain, Mary Jo Kopechne, Bonnie Lee
Bakley, Awatef Aboudihaj and many others.
Old Clue had you
asking "Was it Professor Plum with the wrench in the Library?" Celebrity Clue
will you asking stuff like "Was it Tom Cruise with the cleats on Oprah's Couch?"
Now that's fresh! This is still a work in progress but here are a few examples
of some of my Celebrity Clue Cards
(The following
cards are arranged in no particular order)
            I was also thinking.
Maybe it shouldn't always be a person that got killed. Maybe the victims could
be things like Tom Cruise's Credibility, Britney Spears sanity, or Pee Wee
Herman's career.
(Once again The
following cards are arranged in no particular order)
   I'm not sure, maybe it's
better if we stick to people. Please leave some suggestions
More Celebrity Clue Cards:
        |
Thought we were Americans
I live in the great state of Illinois, where they have recently put a smoking ban into effect. As of January 1, smoking is illegal in restaurants, bars, nightclubs, workplaces, and all public buildings. Smoking is also banned within 15 feet of building entrances, exits, and windows. As a no-smoker I couldn't give less of a shit about the new law. But smokers seem to think that some how they lost their constitutional rights. Not a day goes by I don't hear a smoker say "I thought I lived in America" or "Thought we were Americans" or "Wish we still lived in America". I hear these phrases so much that if I got 5 dollars every time I heard a disgruntle smoker utter these words I would be able to buy another Porsche by the end of January (this may be a slight exaggeration, but it would be close)
I have nothing against smokers, but their constant bitching is driving me crazy. So you can't smoke in a restaurant, restaurants are for eating not smoking, So you can't smoke at work, I can't masturbate at work either, but you don't hear me quoting the bill of rights about it. So you can't smoke in bars and nightclubs, alright, you got me, that one is kind of bullshit. I'm sorry you can't smoke, but it's not like someone made you sit at the back of the bus because you smoked or arrested you for drinking from the non-smokers water fountain. (You are not oppressed).
As a non-smoker one thing that does bother me is when people come over and smoke in my house. I got this friend Steve, and every time he comes over he lights up. And every time I have to say "Hay Steve you know I don't smoke, why did you light up", and he gives me a "Sorry, dude". So last week Steve was over and he lit up as usual. So I gave him my standard don't smoke in my house thing and instead of his standard "Sorry dude" I got the new smokers battle cry "I thought I lived in America". Which really pissed me off, I don't care if Steve wants to be an obnoxious fuck about smoking to restaurants, bars, nightclubs, or at work. But it's my house and my policy has never changed.
So I was over at Steve's house the other night having a few beers. That's when I noticed he had bought new furniture; he had this new leather sofa and love seat. I swear to you the more I drank the more that leather love seat looked like a naked Oprah Winfrey. I knew that Steve didn't dry hump his furniture, but then I thought back about how rude he was about smoking in my house, so I fucked the shit out of that love seat. Steve was all "Get the hell off my sofa!" I simply relied "Sorry dude, I thought I lived in America"
I wonder which is harder to get rid of, the smell of smoke in a room, or love stains on a leather sofa.
Who are the people in your neighborhood
Last week my cousin CJ
moved out of my house and into his own apartment. It's nice to have the old bachelor pad back
to myself. CJ's place is really nice, I
guess Circuit
So Friday night I took the last box of CJ's shit out to his new apartment. I knew if I didn't bring him his crap, I would never get it out of my garage. Once I got there he insisted on introducing me to his new neighbors.
First CJ took me to meet the people who
live in
Then CJ took me to meet Donald and Mason,
they live in
Finally CJ took me to meet his upstairs neighbor, Luka, (CJ refers to her as crazy bitch, with the monster rack, on the 2nd floor). Unfortunatlly, she wasn't home. But CJ was telling me that she has an inner ear infection or something and that she's always running into doors, falling down stairs and shit like that. He also said one night he heard some noises upstairs that sounded like some kind of trouble, some kind of fight. And then the next day he was all like "Yo, Luka what was with the noise last night." And she went off on him and she was all like "Just don't ask me what it was, it's not your fuckin business anyway". He said he wouldn't talk to her, if it wasn't for that monster rack (when I say monster rack I mean that she had huge funbags) (when I say funbags I mean chesticles) (when I say chesticles I mean breasts)
How to Drew a crowd
|
About a month back, the accounting department, where I worked hired this girl named Drew. Drew is nothing special. She is a about 50, with blonde hair (with contrasting roots), and a heavy layer of make-up (grease paint). Although I find nothing special about Drew, it seem like I am the only male in the office that isn't infatuated with her. You never see Drew without her entourage of dudes. I started to wonder why everyone found Drew so fascinating and why I didn't feel the same way. Maybe Drew secretes some sort of vaginal pheromone that attracts men, but has no effect on monkeys. I'm not sure. About a week ago, I heard rumor that Drew has had more wieners in her mouth than a taste tester for Hebrew National. I started to think that this might attribute to her male following. But after further consideration, I changed my mind. If she was playing the skin flute for all these dudes, the herd would begin to thin after gratification. I now believe that Drew is just a tease leading these guys around and having them do things for her. And the Hebrew National rumor was just some vicious lie created by a distraught dude from her entourage, or a lie created by Drew herself to make the men in the herd believe they have a chance at oral gratification making it easier for her to get them to do shit for her, or maybe a vicious lie created by a monkey with attention deficit disorder who gets bored easily at work and amuses himself by starting shit and watching it unfold. |
Lance Briggs what are you hiding
|
Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs said he panicked after
crashing his new Lamborghini along a highway early Monday morning and initially
reported his car stolen after abandoning the mangled vehicle. Later, he called
back and accepted responsibility for crashing the car.
I'm sorry but if you abandon a
new Lamborghini on the side of the rode you
were doing something, on something, or transporting something that you didn't
want the PoPo to know about. So let's play a game I like to call Lance Briggs
what are you hiding. It's an easy game, I just list a few possibilities of what
Lance was covering up and my readers are welcome to vote on which one they agree
with or write in their own theory of what illegal activity Lance was up
to.
Lance
Briggs what are you hiding
1.
Lance Briggs was on his way to Hollywood Video to return Cornhole Canyon
(also known as Brokeback Mountain 2) when he crashed his new Lamborghini,
embarrassed by his DVD chose and knowing damn well that if it was made public he
would remembered as a Packer and not a Bear. He abandon his new Lamborghini,
walked to Hollywood Video and discreetly used the drop
box.
2.
Lance Briggs was running black tar heroin for Tony
Montana
3.
Lance Briggs was driving across the US wearing adult nappies, assaulting
and attempting to kidnap a love rival when he crashed his new Lamborghini,
bringing his evil plan to a screeching halt.
4.
Lance Briggs knew his blood-alcohol level was at 0.12 percent, which just
happens to be the exact percent that people start making anti-Semitic comments.
Knowing that he would offend 90% of the luxury box ticket holders, he
abandon his new Lamborghini to avoid talking to the police and untimely
alienating Bear fans.
5.
Lance Briggs and R Kelly were rushing to a girl scout meeting when Lance
crashed his new Lamborghini, both men had been holding a piss for several hours
(for obvious reasons) and abandon the vehicle in an attempt to find a
reststop. |
